Find Happiness in Acceptance
Find Happiness in Acceptance
In any situation in life, you always have three choices: you can change it, you can accept it, or you can leave it.
If you want to change it, then it is a desire. It will cause you suffering until you successfully change it. So don’t pick too many of those. Pick one big desire in your life at any given time to give yourself purpose and motivation.
Why not two?
You’ll be distracted.
Even one is hard enough. Being peaceful comes from having your mind clear of thoughts. And a lot of clarity comes from being in the present moment. It’s very hard to be in the present moment if you’re thinking, “I need to do this. I want that. This has got to change.” [8]
You always have three options: you can change it, you can accept it, or you can leave it. What is not a good option is to sit around wishing you would change it but not changing it, wishing you could leave it but not leaving it and not accepting it. That struggle or aversion is responsible for most of our misery. The phrase I probably use the most to myself in my head is just one word: “accept.” [5]
What does acceptance look like to you?
It’s to be okay whatever the outcome is. It’s to be balanced and centered. It’s to step back and to see the grander scheme of things.
We don’t always get what we want, but sometimes what is happening is for the best. The sooner you can accept it as a reality, the sooner you can adapt to it.
Achieving acceptance is very difficult. I have a couple of hacks I try, but I wouldn’t say they are totally successful.
One hack is stepping back and looking at previous bits of suffering I’ve had in my life. I write them down. “Last time you broke up with somebody, last time you had a business failure, last time you had a health issue, what happened?” I can trace the growth and improvement that came from it years later.
I have another hack I use for minor annoyances. When they happen, a part of me will instantly react negatively. But I’ve learned to mentally ask myself, “What is the positive of this situation?”
“Okay, I’ll be late for a meeting. But what is the benefit to me? I get to relax and watch the birds for a moment. I’ll also spend less time in that boring meeting.” There’s almost always something positive.
Even if you can’t come up with something positive, you can say, “Well, the Universe is going to teach me something now. Now I get to listen and learn.”
To give you the simplest example: I was at an event and afterward, someone flooded my inbox with a whole bunch of photos they took.
There was a tiny instant judgment saying, “Come on, couldn’t you have just selected a few of the best? Who sends a hundred photos?” But then immediately I asked myself, “What is the positive?” The positive is that I get to pick my five favorite photos. I get to use my judgment.
Over the last year, by practicing this hack enough, I’ve managed to go from taking a couple of seconds to think of a response, to now my brain doing it almost instantaneously. That’s a habit you can train yourself to do. [8]
How do you learn to accept things you can’t change?
Fundamentally, it boils down to one big hack: embracing death.
Death is the most important thing that is ever going to happen to you. When you look at your death and you acknowledge it, rather than running away from it, it’ll bring great meaning to your life. We spend so much of our life trying to avoid death. So much of what we struggle for can be classified as a quest for immortality.
If you’re religious and believe there is an afterlife, then you’ll be taken care of. If you’re not religious, maybe you’ll have kids. If you’re an artist, a painter, or a businessman, you want to leave a legacy behind.
Here’s a hot tip: There is no legacy. There’s nothing to leave. We’re all going to be gone. Our children will be gone. Our works will be dust. Our civilizations will be dust. Our planet will be dust. Our solar system will be dust. In the grand scheme of things, the Universe has been around for ten billion years. It’ll be around for another ten billion years.
Your life is a firefly blink in a night. You’re here for such a brief period of time. If you fully acknowledge the futility of what you’re doing, then I think it can bring great happiness and peace because you realize this is a game. But it’s a fun game. All that matters is you experience your reality as you go through life. Why not interpret it in the most positive possible way?
Any moment where you’re not having a great time, when you’re not really happy, you’re not doing anyone any favors. It’s not like your unhappiness makes them better off somehow. All you’re doing is wasting this incredibly small and precious time you have on this Earth. Keeping death on the forefront and not denying it is very important.
Whenever I get caught up in my ego battles, I just think of entire civilizations that have come and gone. For example, take the Sumerians. I’m sure they were important people and did great things, but go ahead and name me a single Sumerian. Tell me anything interesting or important Sumerians did that lasted. Nothing.
So maybe ten thousand years from now or a hundred thousand years from now, people will say, “Oh yeah, Americans. I’ve heard of Americans.” [8]
You’re going to die one day, and none of this is going to matter. So enjoy yourself. Do something positive. Project some love. Make someone happy. Laugh a little bit. Appreciate the moment. And do your work. [8]
在接受中寻找幸福
在人生的任何情境下，你总有三个选择：你可以改变它，你可以接受它，或者你可以离开它。
如果你想改变它，那就是一种欲望。在你成功改变它之前，它会让你痛苦。所以不要选择太多这样的事情。在任何时候，选择一个重要的欲望，给自己以目标和动力。
为什么不选两个呢？
因为你会分心。
即便只有一个也已经够难了。平和源于清除杂念。而很多的清晰感来自于活在当下。如果你总是在想，“我需要做这个，我想要那个，这必须改变”，就很难保持在当下。 [8]
你总是有三个选项：你可以改变它，你可以接受它，或者你可以离开它。而不是一个好选项的是：你一边希望改变它但又不去改变，一边希望可以离开却又不离开，也不愿接受。这种挣扎或抗拒是我们大部分痛苦的来源。我在自己脑海中最常用的词是：“接受。” [5]
对你来说，接受是什么样子的？
接受就是无论结果如何都能安然处之。它意味着平衡和中心的状态。它意味着退后一步，看清全局。
我们并不总能得到我们想要的，但有时候发生的事情反而是最好的。你越早接受它成为现实，你就越早能适应它。
达成接受是非常困难的。我有几个尝试的小技巧，但我不会说它们完全成功。
一个技巧是退后一步，回顾我生命中曾经遭受的痛苦。我把它们写下来。“上次你和某人分手，上次你在生意上失败，上次你遇到健康问题，发生了什么？” 我可以追溯到多年后由此带来的成长和进步。
我还有一个处理小烦恼的技巧。当它们发生时，我的某个部分会立刻做出负面反应。但我已经学会了在心里问自己：“这个情况有什么积极的一面？”
“好吧，我会迟到开会。但这对我有什么好处呢？我可以放松一下，看一会儿鸟儿。我也可以少待在那个无聊的会议上。”几乎总能找到一些积极的东西。
即使你找不到什么积极的方面，你也可以说：“好吧，宇宙现在要教我点什么。我现在可以倾听并学习。”
举一个最简单的例子：我在一个活动上，之后有人往我的邮箱里发了一大堆他们拍的照片。
我的第一反应是一个小小的判断：“拜托，难道你就不能挑几张最好的发过来吗？谁会发一百张照片？”但随后我立刻问自己：“这有什么积极的呢？” 积极的一面是我可以挑出我最喜欢的五张照片，我可以运用我的判断力。
在过去的一年里，通过足够多的练习这个技巧，我已经从花几秒钟思考如何回应，变成了现在我的大脑几乎瞬间完成。这是一个你可以训练自己的习惯。 [8]
你如何学会接受无法改变的事情？
从根本上来说，这取决于一个大的技巧：拥抱死亡。
死亡是你一生中最重要的事情。当你面对它并承认它，而不是逃避它，它会为你的生命带来巨大的意义。我们在生活中花了太多时间试图避免死亡。我们所挣扎的许多东西都可以归结为对永生的追求。
如果你是一个宗教信徒，相信有来世，那你就会被照顾好。如果你不是宗教信徒，也许你会有孩子。如果你是艺术家、画家或商人，你可能想留下遗产。
这里有一个小提示：没有所谓的遗产。没有什么可以留下。我们都会消失。我们的孩子会消失。我们的作品会变成尘埃。我们的文明会变成尘埃。我们的星球会变成尘埃。我们的太阳系也会变成尘埃。从宏观的角度来看，宇宙已经存在了百亿年，还会再存在百亿年。
你的人生就像是黑夜中的萤火虫一闪而过。你在这世上停留的时间如此短暂。如果你完全承认你所做的事情的徒劳无功，我认为这会带来巨大的幸福与平和，因为你会意识到这只是一个游戏。但它是一个有趣的游戏。重要的是你在经历生活时体验自己的现实。为什么不以最积极的方式来解释它呢？
任何时刻你不在享受生活，你不是真的快乐，你并没有为任何人带来好处。你的不快乐并不会让别人因此变得更好。你所做的只是浪费了你在这地球上非常短暂而宝贵的时间。把死亡放在心头，不否认它，这非常重要。
每当我陷入自我之争时，我就会想到那些曾经兴衰的文明。比如，苏美尔人。我相信他们曾经是重要的人，做了伟大的事情，但请你给我说出一个苏美尔人的名字。告诉我苏美尔人做过什么有趣或重要且长存的事情。什么都没有。
所以也许一万年后，或者十万年后，人们会说：“哦，对，美国人。我听说过美国人。” [8]
有一天你会死去，这一切都将变得毫无意义。所以，好好享受生活。做一些积极的事情。传递一些爱。让某个人快乐。笑一笑。珍惜当下的时光。并完成你的工作。 [8]