Happiness Is Built by Habits
Happiness Is Built by Habits
My most surprising discovery in the last five years is that peace and happiness are skills. These are not things you are born with. Yes, there is a genetic range. And a lot of it is conditioning from your environment, but you can un-condition and recondition yourself.
You can increase your happiness over time, and it starts with believing you can do it.
It’s a skill. Just like nutrition is a skill, dieting is a skill, working out is a skill, making money is a skill, meeting girls and guys is a skill, having good relationships is a skill, even love is a skill. It starts with realizing they’re skills you can learn. When you put your intention and focus on it, the world can become a better place.
When working, surround yourself with people more successful than you.
When playing, surround yourself with people happier than you.
What type of skill is happiness?
It’s all trial and error. You just see what works. You can try sitting meditation. Did that work for you? Was it Tantra meditation or was it Vipassana meditation? Was it a ten-day retreat or was twenty minutes enough?
Okay. None of those worked. But what if I tried yoga? What if I kite-surfed? What if I go car racing? What about cooking? Does that make me Zen? You literally have to try all of these things until you find something that works for you.
When it comes to medicines for the mind, the placebo effect is 100 percent effective. When it comes to your mind, you want to be positively inclined, not incredulous in belief. If it is fully internal, you should have a positive mindset.
For example, I was reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which is a fantastic introduction to being present, for people who are not religious. He shows you the single-most important thing is to be present and hammers it home over and over again until you get it.
He wrote about this body-energy exercise. You lie down and you feel the energy moving around your body. At that point, the old me would have put the book down and said, “Well, that’s BS.” But the new me said, “Well, if I believe it, maybe it’ll work.” I went into it with a positive mindset. I laid down and tried the meditation. You know what? It felt really good.
How does someone build the skill of happiness?
You can build good habits. Not drinking alcohol will keep your mood more stable. Not eating sugar will keep your mood more stable. Not going on Facebook, Snapchat, or Twitter will keep your mood more stable. Playing video games will make you happier in the short run—and I used to be an avid gamer—but in the long run, it could ruin your happiness. You’re being fed dopamine and having dopamine withdrawn from you in these little uncontrollable ways. Caffeine is another one where you trade long term for the short term.
Essentially, you have to go through your life replacing your thoughtless bad habits with good ones, making a commitment to be a happier person. At the end of the day, you are a combination of your habits and the people who you spend the most time with.
When we’re kids, we have very few habits. Over time, we learn the things we are not supposed to do. We become self-conscious. We start forming habits and routines.
Many distinctions between people who get happier as they get older and people who don’t can be explained by what habits they have developed. Are they habits that will increase your long-term happiness rather than your short-term happiness? Are you surrounding yourself with people who are generally positive and upbeat people? Are those relationships low maintenance? Do you admire and respect but not envy them?
There’s the “five chimps theory” where you can predict a chimp’s behavior by the five chimps it hangs out with the most. I think that applies to humans as well. Maybe it’s politically incorrect to say you should choose your friends very wisely. But you shouldn’t choose them haphazardly based on who you live next to or who you happen to work with. The people who are the most happy and optimistic choose the right five chimps. [8]
The first rule of handling conflict is: Don’t hang around people who constantly engage in conflict. I’m not interested in anything unsustainable or even hard to sustain, including difficult relationships. [5]
If you can’t see yourself working with someone for life, don’t work with them for a day.
There’s a friend of mine, a Persian guy named Behzad. He just loves life, and he has no time for anybody who is not happy.
If you ask Behzad what’s his secret? He’ll just look up and say, “Stop asking why and start saying wow.” The world is such an amazing place. As humans, we’re used to taking everything for granted. Like what you and I are doing right now. We’re sitting indoors, wearing clothes, well-fed, and communicating with each other through space and time. We should be two monkeys sitting in the jungle right now watching the sun going down, asking ourselves where we are going to sleep.
When we get something, we assume the world owes it to us. If you’re present, you’ll realize how many gifts and how much abundance there is around us at all times. That’s all you really need to do. I’m here now, and I have all these incredible things at my disposal. [8]
The most important trick to being happy is to realize happiness is a skill you develop and a choice you make. You choose to be happy, and then you work at it. It’s just like building muscles. It’s just like losing weight. It’s just like succeeding at your job. It’s just like learning calculus.
You decide it’s important to you. You prioritize it above everything else. You read everything on the topic. [7]
HAPPINESS HABITS
I have a series of tricks I use to try and be happier in the moment. At first, they were silly and difficult and required a lot of attention, but now some of them have become second nature. By doing them religiously, I’ve managed to increase my happiness level quite a bit.
The obvious one is meditation—insight meditation. Working toward a specific purpose on it, which is to try and understand how my mind works. [7]
Just being very aware in every moment. If I catch myself judging somebody, I can stop myself and say, “What’s the positive interpretation of this?” I used to get annoyed about things. Now I always look for the positive side of it. It used to take a rational effort. It used to take a few seconds for me to come up with a positive. Now I can do it sub-second. [7]
I try to get more sunlight on my skin. I look up and smile. [7]
Every time you catch yourself desiring something, say, “Is it so important to me I’ll be unhappy unless this goes my way?” You’re going to find with the vast majority of things it’s just not true. [7]
I think dropping caffeine made me happier. It makes me more of a stable person. [7]
I think working out every day made me happier. If you have peace of body, it’s easier to have peace of mind. [7]
The more you judge, the more you separate yourself. You’ll feel good for an instant, because you feel good about yourself, thinking you’re better than someone. Later, you’re going to feel lonely. Then, you see negativity everywhere. The world just reflects your own feelings back at you. [7]
Tell your friends you’re a happy person. Then, you’ll be forced to conform to it. You’ll have a consistency bias. You have to live up to it. Your friends will expect you to be a happy person. [5]
Recover time and happiness by minimizing your use of these three smartphone apps: phone, calendar, and alarm clock. [11]
The more secrets you have, the less happy you’re going to be. [11]
Caught in a funk? Use meditation, music, and exercise to reset your mood. Then choose a new path to commit emotional energy for rest of day. [11]
Hedonic adaptation is more powerful for man-made things (cars, houses, clothes, money) than for natural things (food, sex, exercise). [11]
No exceptions—all screen activities linked to less happiness, all non-screen activities linked to more happiness. [11]
A personal metric: how much of the day is spent doing things out of obligation rather than out of interest? [11]
It’s the news’ job to make you anxious and angry. But its underlying scientific, economic, education, and conflict trends are positive. Stay optimistic. [11]
Politics, academia, and social status are all zero-sum games. Positive-sum games create positive people. [11]
Increase serotonin in the brain without drugs: Sunlight, exercise, positive thinking, and tryptophan. [11]
CHANGING HABITS:
Pick one thing. Cultivate a desire. Visualize it.
Plan a sustainable path.
Identify needs, triggers, and substitutes.
Tell your friends.
Track meticulously.
Self-discipline is a bridge to a new self-image.
Bake in the new self-image. It’s who you are—now. [11]
First, you know it. Then, you understand it. Then, you can explain it. Then, you can feel it. Finally, you are it.
幸福源于习惯
在过去五年里，我最令人惊讶的发现是，平和和幸福是一种技能。这些并不是你与生俱来的东西。是的，它们有一定的遗传范围，很多时候也受环境的影响，但你可以重新去影响自己，去调整和重塑。
你可以逐渐提升自己的幸福感，而这一切从相信你可以做到开始。
这是一种技能。就像营养是一种技能，节食是一种技能，锻炼是一种技能，赚钱是一种技能，认识男孩女孩是一种技能，拥有良好关系是一种技能，甚至爱也是一种技能。关键在于认识到它们是你可以学习的技能。当你将意图和注意力放在这些事情上，世界就能变得更加美好。
工作时，和比你成功的人在一起。
休闲时，和比你更快乐的人在一起。
幸福是一种什么样的技能？
这完全是试验与错误的过程。你只是看看什么奏效。你可以尝试坐禅冥想。这对你有用吗？是坦陀罗冥想，还是内观冥想？是十天的静修，还是每天二十分钟就足够了？
好的，这些都没有用。但如果我试试瑜伽呢？如果我试试风筝冲浪呢？如果我去赛车呢？如果我试试烹饪呢？这些让我找到内心的宁静吗？你真的需要尝试所有这些事情，直到找到对你有效的方法。
对于心灵的“药物”，安慰剂效应是100%有效的。面对自己的心灵，你应该怀有正面倾向，而不是带有怀疑态度。如果完全是内部的事，你应该保持积极的心态。
比如，我在读埃克哈特·托利的《当下的力量》。这本书是为不信教的人提供一种关于如何活在当下的精彩入门读物。他不断地强调最重要的事情就是活在当下，反复强调直到你真正领悟。
他在书中写到一种身体能量的练习：你躺下来，感受能量在身体中流动。那时候，过去的我可能会放下书，心想：“这不靠谱。”但现在的我会说：“如果我相信它，也许它会奏效。”我带着积极的心态去尝试，躺下来进行冥想。你知道吗？真的感觉很棒。
一个人如何培养幸福的技能？
你可以养成好的习惯。不喝酒能让你的情绪更稳定。不吃糖能让你的情绪更稳定。不用 Facebook、Snapchat 或 Twitter 也能让你的情绪更稳定。玩电子游戏在短期内会让你更开心—我曾是个狂热的游戏玩家—但从长期来看，它可能会毁掉你的幸福感。这些行为以难以控制的方式给予你多巴胺并迅速撤回。咖啡因也是如此，你是在用长期的幸福换取短期的刺激。
归根结底，你必须逐步用好的习惯取代那些无意识的坏习惯，并下定决心成为一个更幸福的人。归根到底，你是你的习惯和你花最多时间在一起的人的结合。
小时候，我们的习惯很少。随着时间的推移，我们学会了许多不该做的事，变得越来越自我意识强烈，开始形成习惯和日常生活模式。
人们在变老时，有些人会变得越来越幸福，而有些人则没有，这其中的许多差别可以通过他们形成的习惯来解释。这些习惯是提升长期幸福感的，还是只是追求短期的快乐？你是否和那些总体上积极乐观的人在一起？这些关系是否需要低维护成本？你是否对他们感到敬佩和尊重而不是嫉妒？
有一个“五只猩猩理论”，它指出你可以通过一只猩猩与其他五只猩猩的互动来预测它的行为。我认为这同样适用于人类。也许说你应该非常谨慎地选择你的朋友是不太政治正确的，但你不应该随随便便地根据你的邻居或同事来选择朋友。那些最幸福、最乐观的人会选择最合适的五只“猩猩”。 [8]
处理冲突的第一条原则是：不要和那些不断陷入冲突的人待在一起。我对任何不可持续甚至难以维持的事情都不感兴趣，包括困难的关系。 [5]
如果你无法想象与某人共事一生，就不要与他们共事一天。
我有一个朋友，是个波斯人，叫 Behzad。他真的热爱生活，也不会把时间浪费在任何不快乐的人身上。
如果你问 Behzad 他的秘诀是什么？他会抬起头来说：“别问为什么，多说‘哇’。”这个世界是如此的奇妙。作为人类，我们习惯了理所当然地接受一切。比如我们现在正在做的事。我们坐在室内，穿着衣服，吃得饱饱的，通过时空交流。实际上，我们应该是两只坐在丛林里的猴子，看着太阳落山，问自己今晚要在哪里睡觉。
当我们得到某样东西时，我们总以为这个世界欠我们的。如果你能够活在当下，你会意识到在任何时刻都有无数的礼物和丰盛围绕着我们。这就是你真正需要做的一切。我就在这里，现在，我拥有所有这些不可思议的东西在手边。 [8]
让自己幸福的最重要的秘诀就是要意识到幸福是一种可以培养的技能和一种可以做出的选择。你选择幸福，然后努力去实现它。这就像锻炼肌肉，像减肥，像在工作中取得成功，像学习微积分一样。
你决定它对你很重要。你把它放在所有事情之上。你阅读所有关于这个主题的内容。 [7]
幸福习惯
我有一系列技巧来让我在当下更快乐。一开始，这些技巧显得愚蠢而困难，需要大量的注意力，但现在其中一些已经成为我的第二天性。通过这些习惯的宗教般坚持，我成功地提升了我的幸福水平。
最明显的一点是冥想——洞察冥想。为它设定明确的目的，试着去理解自己的心智如何运作。 [7]
时刻保持高度的觉察。如果我发现自己在评判别人，我可以及时制止自己，并问：“这个事情有没有正面的解释？”我过去会对一些事情感到恼火，而现在我总是寻找事情的积极面。以前需要理性的努力，需要几秒钟去想一个积极的解释。而现在我可以在几乎一瞬间找到答案。 [7]
我试着让皮肤多晒太阳。我抬头微笑。 [7]
每当你发现自己渴望某样东西时，问自己：“这件事对我真的如此重要吗？如果它不如我愿，我会因此不开心吗？”你会发现大多数情况下，这都不是真的。 [7]
我认为戒掉咖啡因让我更快乐。它让我变得更加稳定。 [7]
我觉得每天锻炼让我更快乐。如果身体和谐，内心就更容易和平。 [7]
评判别人只会让你与他人之间产生隔阂。你可能瞬间觉得自己很棒，因为你觉得自己比别人优越。但之后你会感到孤独，然后你会在周围看到满满的负面情绪。世界只是反射出你自己的感觉。 [7]
告诉朋友你是一个快乐的人，这样你就会被迫维持这种状态。你会产生一致性偏差，你必须实现它。你的朋友们也会期待你成为一个快乐的人。 [5]
通过减少对以下三个手机应用程序的使用，可以找回时间和快乐：电话、日历和闹钟。 [11]
你拥有的秘密越多，你就会越不幸福。 [11]
陷入低谷时？通过冥想、音乐和锻炼来重置情绪。然后选择一条新路，投入情感能量度过余下的时光。 [11]
享乐适应在人工物品（汽车、房屋、衣服、金钱）上比自然事物（食物、性、锻炼）更强大。 [11]
没有例外——所有屏幕活动都与减少幸福感相关，所有非屏幕活动都与增加幸福感相关。 [11]
一个个人衡量指标：一天中有多少时间是出于兴趣而非义务在做事？ [11]
新闻的工作就是让你焦虑和愤怒。但它背后的科学、经济、教育和冲突趋势是积极的。保持乐观。 [11]
政治、学术和社会地位都是零和游戏。正和游戏创造积极的人。 [11]
无药物情况下增加大脑中的血清素：阳光、锻炼、积极思考和色氨酸。 [11]
改变习惯：
选定一件事。培养渴望。进行可视化。
规划一条可持续的路径。
识别需求、触发点和替代方案。
告诉朋友。
详细跟踪。
自律是通向新自我形象的桥梁。
将新的自我形象内化。这就是你—现在的你。 [11]
首先，你知道它。然后，你理解它。接着，你能解释它。然后，你感受到它。最终，你成为它。